When I was in school, I always thought I was going to be one of those girls who gets pregnant after school, even though I always used protection, I just felt that unlucky.
I hadn’t started my periods at all, but I was just under the impression that it was all because I was underweight.
I had quite a few teachers telling me I needed to gain weight and telling me to drink these special milkshakes to help you gain weight. I just didn’t have an appetite, I just never really ate, a typical days food would be, breakfast - plain crisps, lunch – water, or a cookie if I felt adventurous, tea – peas, or if I was out for the evening (which was a lot) nothing. I went on eating like this for a long time, I don’t remember how long really, it didn’t seem to affect me. I know that I was under eating a lot, but not on purpose. If my mum cooked a proper meal (she did most nights) I would have some but only a small portion.
Then after we left school, about a month after I went to college, I met Martin, and started eating, for some reason being with him has helped me eat, I'm still not a very good eater by any means (but this isn’t part of the story), 6 months later I had to go to the doctors as my periods hadn’t started, I had this lovely doctor she was softly spoken and so nice to talk to.
I had a few tests and was referred to the hospital to have a Ultra Sound, now at least I will know how it feels to have one thing from pregnancy. In the ultra sound, they looked at me funny, and told me to drink more water, which I did, and had to wait, they scanned me again, and still nothing.
I went to see this doctor, the was a gyne, she only let me go into the room with her, not my boyfriend not my mum, I asked it I could have them as it was obviously going to be bad news!
She sat me down (ALONE) and told me I was born without a womb, ovaries and had XY chromosomes. I could not have children, and I would never have a period. And the final thing she told me was I have testies inside me.
As she was saying all this her head was getting bigger and smaller, you know that thing when you hear your pulse and you feel like your about to have a panic attack or something, well that’s how I was feeling at the very moment she told me all that, I didn’t really hear any of it.
You don’t realise how much you want your OWN children until you are told you cant have any and at the age of 16, its not very nice.
Now that’s all for that for today, another extract another day!
I was thinking on the bus about the things that I really will miss about not having my own children (as I would only have a child if I got pregnant by accident). And I came up with the following things: -
- Giving her, her first Pink Personal Finsbury Filofax. (I even decided the one to give her)
- Platting her hair before she goes for her first day of school.
- Taking her shopping in Harrods and Benneton for clothes (yes I would be rich in this world haha)
- Having a spar day
- Having mummy and daughter days out.
There are just so many things.
And the one thing that I hate the most, I can never feel a child growing inside me, feel it kicking, just have all that.
Anyway after depressing you, I hope you enjoy your days.
Imy, I read your post with interest and can I just say, whilst I sympathize hugely with your situation, you could still have a child one day, could adoption not be an option? I never wanted to have children, until I was 30 then decided I would have just the one and I am lucky, I could have and I fell pregnant easily, too easily actually! But you know what, I never enjoyed one second of being pregnant and 3 yrs later I am still suffering from it! So to be honest some pregnancies sail along wonderfully, beautiful child, hey ho job done, and some like mine are not good, in fact so much I won't be having any more! I know it is no comfort this reply, but please look at what you have got and can have and please don't go through life regretting what you can't because there is always another option. Hope this hasn't upset you in any way!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Imy. :(
ReplyDeleteOh Imy that is such difficult news to have when you were so young. I can't imagine how you felt. It is life changing. The fact that you have been so positive, set up the support group and are such a bubbly person are really inspirational to us all.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad the Internet has brought me to you Imy. It is a real honour. I can't wait to meet you in real life.
Sharon - Well the only reason i havent thought about adoption is, because i really dislike children, just cannot stand them, im scared of them, i dont know what to do with one, i just really am not a child friendly person, i know that one day my views will change and if and when they do adoption will be my only option, so that is what i will go for (at least then i can sort of choose the age sex of the child hehe, skip all the nappies)
ReplyDeleteand you havent upset me your lovely dont worry! :-) xxxx
CP - AWww :-) i cannot wait to meet you either!!! YAY!!!!! Its been lovely to of met you over the interenet too :-D xxx
When I was 16 or 17, I was in an accident, and I suffered pains in the womb area. They did a lot of tests, but the first thing my GP said was that it could be my ovaries. It was upsetting in so many ways, and when it turned out a ripped muscle in my abs, I was so angry with my GP.
ReplyDeleteI felt absolutely awful that it could be my ovaries and that I was never going to have children is just shocking at such a young age.
I have been lucky that there is nothing wrong with my ovaries, but for you it must be difficult.
I agree with Sharon, you may want to have children some day, and adoption is such a good thing to do, because you help a child that doesn't have a good future.
Some people just aren't children people. I've known quite a few people that made the decision not to have children, even though there wasn't any medical reason for them not to be able to have children.
ReplyDeleteI'm fairly good with kids, we only had the one child and he's turned out ok. But it's hard work.
Anyone having children has to realise they are taking on one of the hardest challenges in their life, it's like an exam that you can't revise for, there's no right answers.... there's no wrong answers.
It's you who sets the questions, and you mark your own paper to see how you did several years later. But you can't go back and correct your answers...
If you can't have children of your own Imy that is very tough, even if you aren't sure, you would have at least been able to make that decision. But children aren't everything in life are they.
Some people devote their time to other things like voluntary work and helping others. They get as much enjoyment and peace of mind from other things in life.
But you are who you are Imy, don't change we love you for who you are.
Take care
Steve
Imy, I still can't get over how amazingly brave you are. You are truly such an inspiration- even though I am not in the same situation, your ability to share something so personal and painful in your life is really awe inspiring and makes me feel better about sharing some of the painful things I've been through.
ReplyDeleteI agree with CP- I am so glad I've met you, even if only virtually. Someday this international meet up will happen!
Oh, and hey- someday if/when I have a kid, I can ship her over to the UK and you can have all the shopping/hair/spa fun you want before sending her back! Or, maybe I'll come too and we can ditch the kid and go shopping together :)
Imy, I, too, am absolutely stunned about how brave you are. I think Steve nails it right to the point when he says: "at least you should have been given the decision whether or not to have a biological child". The fact that you dislike kids now, doesn't mean too much, that could always change. I know for sure that I would have loved an adopted child just as much as my biological ones.
ReplyDeleteAnd --- dunno if it's any comfort at all, but I have three daughters and they hate shopping. Almost as much as myself ..... (hihi).
Looking forward to meet you IRL in September (and BTW that has nothing to do with your story today, I looked forward to it anyway ;-)).
:( this must have been so upsetting for you... especially as that was probably the last thing you might have thought the problem was.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about getting broody when you have a boyfriend.. i for sure thought i was never going to have children- i mean i don't see myself as the nurturing type.. but when you're in love you kind of want to share it with something you've made..
which i guess is creepy also i'm only nineteen so i still think i'm a baby myself!
anyway like all the other commenters said, you're really brave, especially to share your story like this
xx
Dolly